MURDER MOST FOUL

I have been thinking lately about the wonderful world of television
shows. If you live in South Africa and are fortunate enough to be a
premium DSTV subscriber, you have access to 110 tv channels,
encompassing every form of entertainment imaginable. At this time we
are blessed indeed to have NO channels devoted to pornography,
though there are those in the industry working to change this. (If
you happen to live in America there are literally hundreds upon
hundreds of tv channels on offer.) I just googled DSTV to check on my
facts, and it is very sad that of the 110 channels only three are
devoted to religion. TBN is a 24 hour Christian channel. RHEMA tv is
also Christian, but operates only on certain days. The third religious
tv channel is reserved for Islam. South Africa is a strongly Christian
nation, but if one were to judge our worship by the number of
Christian channels on our premium satellite provider, we would be
forced to conclude that South Africans worship sport - 16 channels to
choose from. This is 8 times more than the number of Christian
channels available.

Having said this, I have to confess that I seldom watch Christian tv.
There are certain speakers I enjoy enormously. Joyce Meyer heads this
list. When Kim Clement's show was at 11am on a Saturday I would never
miss it, but now it has been buried in the early hours of the morning.
There are other speakers I do not watch, ever, for the sake of my
blood pressure. They shall remain nameless. To my shame I confess that
some I watch now and again for sheer entertainment value. One
particular brother, not from South Africa nor America, preached his
entire message with a contorted face, screwed up eyes, and the
demeanour of an agitated undertaker, as he urged us all to carry our
cross! For some obscure reason I found watching his programme
therapeutic because I laughed so much. Don't worry! I have repented,
and TBN no longer air his programme, so that particular sin no longer
plagues me.

So if I don't watch Christian tv, what DO I watch? I am glad you
asked! I have a predeliction for murder most foul. I get home after a
long day of counseling, board meetings, leadership meetings,
decision-making, prayer, and everything else that makes ministry the
non-glamorous thing it is, and feel like watching a good murder. Or
two. Or three. In fact the more corpses strewn around the screen for
the detectives to investigate, the more relaxing I find it. I engage
my brain and my own detective skills to solve the case. Unfortunately
I have a very bad habit. I announce my conclusions aloud to whomever
is watching with me. Christie has had to endure this for years. We
will be in the middle of an intense murder movie when I triumphantly
announce that I have solved the case. HE did it, I proclaim loudly and
triumphantly, and this is HOW he did it! My child looks at me in
exasperation, and bitterly thanks me for ruining the show. Experience
proves that I have usually cracked the case. Very, very occasionally I
am wrong, and then she gloats. I have noticed lately that she has
picked up the same powers of deduction as her mother, as well as the
need to declare her findings to me.

For the past couple of months a young friend, Amanda, has been staying
with me to help me look after my three poodle puppies. Yes, really,
three! We have Sophie, Pollyanna, and Vanilla. Some would feel I have
lost my mind. If Amanda was not helping me with these three demanding
but delightful dogs, I would definitely be a candidate for a place
where they medicate you and lock you in your ward at night. However,
Amanda the amazing has taken over night duty, attending puppy class
with me, and what is politely known as "walking the dog." This
actually entails a battle of wills with Sophie, who is a couple of
months older than the other two. Amanda has won the battle, with the
help of puppy trainer extraordinaire, Belinda. Belinda has spent hours
training Sophie, but in reality, training Amanda and me. So I have
high hopes of being the leader of the pack at some point, instead of
being a poodle servant. Only time will tell.

Back to tv and Amanda. She and Sid, my son-in-law, have been added to
the group that unwind while watching Law and Order, Special Victims'
Unit, Waking the Dead, and whatever show happens to be our current
favourite. But murder has a totally different effect on Amanda and
Sid. We all have our designated tv-watching places in the lounge. I
sit on a grey recliner, pulled into the centre of the room so that I
can look directly at the screen, thus saving myself a crick in the
neck. Amanda lies on the sofa behind the recliner, cozily wrapped in a
blanket, head on a cushion. Sid and Christie lie on another sofa,
which is quite a feat for my tall son, who has to drape his long legs
over the edge of the sofa. WITHOUT FAIL Amanda and Sid fall asleep
five to ten minutes into the episode and sleep peacefully, sometimes
through two shows, till we wake them up to go to bed.  "How on earth
do they do that?" I asked Christie just last night. "You and I would
NEVER fall asleep watching a murder investigation!" Her explanation
was good. "That is because you and I go to sleep by a PROCESS," she
explained. "We wash our faces, clean our teeth, put on pajamas, go to
bed, put in earplugs, put out the light...... We don't even know the
meaning of 'I just fell asleep!' " This is the same reason that
neither Christie nor I fall asleep in cars or sitting bolt upright in
economy class on an aeroplane. We stay awake, bitterly resenting the
sleeping souls around us, counting the hours till we arrive while
figuring out how many hours we will have been sleepless, and thus
anticipating how awful we are going to feel the next day. All our
powers of deduction are devoted to dreading our fellow sleeping
travellers awaking bright and cheerful after numerous hours of sleep,
and trying to work out how to avoid sight-seeing so we can get to a
proper bed and go through our proper going-to-sleep process.

But here is something to think about. Imagine going through our
Christian lives in such a state of unrest and inability to relax that
we are permanently exhausted! There is something very endearing
watching Amanda and Sid trying unsuccessfully to keep their eyes open,
and despite a blaring tv and an enthralling plot, drift off into
peaceful sleep. At least I am able to do this in a spiritual sense, if
not ALL the time, at least SOME of the time. When I think about God
holding me in His hands, never sleeping but always watching over me,
having assured me that He will bring to completion in me that which He
began, I can feel a peace that passes understanding encompass my soul
and spirit. The world may blare with natural disasters, abound with
crime, be threatened with terrorism, but my mind can rest, eyelids
become heavy with sleep, and I can drift off comfortably, knowing WHO
controls it all. "FEAR NOT!" He said. So, no matter what is going on
around you, may you find rest in your Father.

Till next month, God bless and keep you. Fiona




Here is a postscript to what I have just written. Two recurring
thoughts assail me as I watch these shows featuring murder most foul.
One is a pet peeve; the other simply something that amuses me.

The pet peeve? Do you get as irritated as I do by shows where
everybody from the lab technician to the lady detective is a beautiful
person? Hair, make-up, outfits, accessories all make the women look as
if they have a personal dresser, hairstylist, manicurist, and make-up
artist. The men are equally suave, charming, ultra cool, and
impeccably groomed, unless they are cast as macho types, which means a
little designer stubble. The stick thin women eat heartily and never
put on weight. They attend crime scenes in tight fitting designer
suits, stiletto heels, and lots of cleavage. No one ever gets dirty,
wet, or scruffy, even if they work 24hours at a stretch. Thank God for
British shows, where the actors look like real people, many with bad
teeth and unkempt hair, and who speak without it sounding scripted.

My thought regarding these programmes involves the corpses. I imagine
what the auditions must be like. "I would make a great dead person. I
can lie really really still while people shine flashlights in my face,
and I never blink. If you watch me closely you will notice that I
don't breathe. Hire me! Hire me! I can lie on a mortuary table while
tv doctors perform autopsies on me, and forensic pathologists peer
into my ears or neck, as well as other unmentionable places, and act
dead the whole time!"

I wonder if other viewers think the same type of things. Perhaps that
adds to my inability to sleep through a movie. Far too much engages my
brain to be able to switch it off. Very fortunately the same thing
happens when I read the bible. The details of people's lives grip me.
These were real people, not hired actors, and we are going to meet and
interact with them. What a lot we have to look forward to. From the
age of three Christie has expressed the fact that she is going to have
a few words with Adam when she gets to meet him. I can hardly wait to
eavesdrop on THAT conversation.

And now, for the second and final time, God bless till next month. Fiona